im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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