This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
