just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm like, not good at living.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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