Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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