No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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