a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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