I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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