I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
