but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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