2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
