Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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