I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
