i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
