she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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