All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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