I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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