I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
