the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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