Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
