not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Randomize
