I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
