Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
