The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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