He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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