we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
