my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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