how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
