Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
