Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Two words: nipple clamps
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