babies were throwing up all over the place
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
