Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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