she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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