Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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