If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I believe in your delicious
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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