two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
