I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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