I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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