How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
