Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
