What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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