I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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