would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
