he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
