i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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