mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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