I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize