You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
