cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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