Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
