you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
everyone is single if you try hard enough
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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