trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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