I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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