i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
