I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
