he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
