Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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