im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
