She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
