the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
